The previous week, I had two similar conversations with two different people.

The first conversation was with my cousin. He was describing another cousin's life and commenting on how busy and schedule packed it was. Contrast that to my current life, it could be between fire and water. Total opposites.

The second conversation was with my friend. She, too, was describing her schedule for the previous weeks and how  schedule packed and busy it was. Again, contrast that to my current life, it could be between sunny and rainy weather. Total opposites.

If I was still the "old" me,
If I was still using the "old" mindset,
If I was still holding on to the "old" beliefs,

I would mind very much. Oh so very much that my life is so different from theirs and would do anything in my power to match their life with mine until it is on equal level or even surpass their level of busy-ness. I would even argue and try to make them see from my point of view. How sometimes taking a rest and not have anything scheduled the whole day is necessary. But now I will just nod and congratulate them.

Too often, society has equipped busy-ness and a jam packed schedule with living life to the fullest.
Too often, when left alone with their own thoughts, human have the tendencies to flee.
Too often, those around us have sneered when you live a quiet life.

Well, I say no more.

No more giving into other people's dogma.
No more giving away myself just to fit into society's fucked up mold.
No more giving up on my own dreams and own definition of what "success" means.

I hope you can do the same too.


I have commitment phobia.

Not just on relationships but on pretty much every aspect of my life.

I think this is the reason for my self-sabotaging behavior.

I have to overcome my commitment phobia.

I have to break through my self-sabotaging behavior.

I just have to...

It's funny to find that I have this issue since it has never cross my mind. Me? Commitment phobia? Pfft. The longest relationship I have is six years long.

But there's no denying it. It is so apparent now that I've think about it.

The question now is "What the fuck should I do?".
I have stopped believing in myself.

I have became lazy.

I have rationalized away my actions with the same old excuses.

All because I am afraid that I don't have the potential to succeed in life, even by own definition of what "being successful" is.

So I am settling. 

Settling in itself is not a bad thing to in life. Settling can mean that you have done all that you've set out to do and you are contented. 

But to settle because I am afraid?

I am not quite sure whether I would be proud of myself to let fear stop me from what I could have achieved.

And I am not quite sure I could ever live with this regret.

I am in this constant  emotional vicious cycle of feeling euphoric of coming up with new ideas, trying new ideas, self-sabotaging the success of new ideas, wallowing in self hate and self pity, decided I would settle and lastly, after getting that biting feeling that settling is not what I want to do; the cycle begins again.

I am so sick of it. 

So many people have given me encouragement, support and the much needed prodding from time to time. 90% of the people I have come across believe in me. But I've realized that all the world's population can believe in me and I will still think I am not good enough.

A friend asked me "What happened to you? Where did the confident girl I used to know went?" and I replied softly "I don't know." 

I lied. I do know. That confident girl was completely destroyed by the events of last year.

I guess I am still reeling from all the shock, hurt and disappointment from last year that has left me disillusioned. Yes, I do realized that it is currently 2012, the year that the world is supposedly going to end. New year. New life. New recycled resolutions. New hope. New me and you.

It still fucking hurts.

There, I've admit it. It still fucking hurts. 


On change...

I was going through my list of blogs that I follow this morning when I realized I was unfollowing a lot of blogs because of my changing interest, namely from my interest on beauty care products to crafting. My obsession of collecting beauty products began around 4 years ago and ended at the start of last year.

To borrow the overused phrase of "If you had told me (x number of years) + (do this), I would never had believed you", this phrase perfectly fits my situation right now. It's funny how things change and I used to resist this change, preferring for things to stick to the way it was. Now, I'm proud to say that I've learnt to embrace changes in my life whether they were planned, unplanned or unwelcomed.

There are always many sides to a story.