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1/16/2012

I have stopped believing in myself.

I have became lazy.

I have rationalized away my actions with the same old excuses.

All because I am afraid that I don't have the potential to succeed in life, even by own definition of what "being successful" is.

So I am settling. 

Settling in itself is not a bad thing to in life. Settling can mean that you have done all that you've set out to do and you are contented. 

But to settle because I am afraid?

I am not quite sure whether I would be proud of myself to let fear stop me from what I could have achieved.

And I am not quite sure I could ever live with this regret.

I am in this constant  emotional vicious cycle of feeling euphoric of coming up with new ideas, trying new ideas, self-sabotaging the success of new ideas, wallowing in self hate and self pity, decided I would settle and lastly, after getting that biting feeling that settling is not what I want to do; the cycle begins again.

I am so sick of it. 

So many people have given me encouragement, support and the much needed prodding from time to time. 90% of the people I have come across believe in me. But I've realized that all the world's population can believe in me and I will still think I am not good enough.

A friend asked me "What happened to you? Where did the confident girl I used to know went?" and I replied softly "I don't know." 

I lied. I do know. That confident girl was completely destroyed by the events of last year.

I guess I am still reeling from all the shock, hurt and disappointment from last year that has left me disillusioned. Yes, I do realized that it is currently 2012, the year that the world is supposedly going to end. New year. New life. New recycled resolutions. New hope. New me and you.

It still fucking hurts.

There, I've admit it. It still fucking hurts. 

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